Is It Mercury Retrograde or Is It Me

Is It Mercury Retrograde or Is It Me?

December 17, 2021

This month has been a doozy! “Why,” you ask?  I have had so much anger.  You know that voice in your head that argues and screams at everyone who frustrates you. You know the one, right? The one that is always right.  Well, she has been on loudspeaker for over a month! Could it be Mercury Retrograde…or is it me?

Oh, Mercury Retrograde!

I read that intense feelings often come with Mercury Retrograde. That means electronics don’t work, technology takes a nosedive (FYI: Facebook, Instagram, and Whatsapp were out for hours…so it must be Mercury Retrograde’s fault. On the flip side, everyone said they were so much more productive during that time).  

Source: Adobe Stock

Mercury Retrograde also means your old shit comes up.  And, boy, did mine.  But the feelings were different this time.  Much more intense. The feeling of being second best, runner up, never the bride, or the one who gets the credit came up and it made me so angry.  I often bump up against this second-best feeling.  It’s that feeling that you try your best to be a good human.  Help others, work hard, be nice, take shit from others but don’t complain, etc.  

Second Best

And though I might not look like someone who feels second best because I appear confident, in control, and aware of others, but I do feel that way.  I always have.  I have been the responsible one.  The one that takes care of everyone.  The one that helps everyone.  And usually, I end up being left behind—or at least it feels that way. But I can’t anymore—I can’t be the supporting act all the time.  

To accept this place feels diminishing.  Like I don’t matter.  I feel like Cinderella where others get the glory while I do the work. I feel jealous. I feel angry.  I feel like I’m not good enough.  As I said, I keep bumping up against this feeling and now I want to kick a hole in the wall, to knock it down once and for all.  I have had enough.  I am partly angry at myself.  I made the choice to be stuck in this position and feeling.  It doesn’t seem fair to do the hard work and not receive acknowledgment for doing so.  

Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner

Nobody has put me in second place—that’s something I’ve done to myself or told myself over the years. And I realize I haven’t spoken my truth. I haven’t stood up for who I am. I haven’t walked away from what has taken my energy or affected it negatively.  And now I can’t stand to feel second best.  It has taken my joy and creativity.  

It’s not all on me. Other people in my life have relegated me to second best, too. I used to think it was just me.  But nope…it’s also them. And that’s not my ego talking because I am the first to blame myself, change myself, and look at myself.  Well, eff it.  I will take responsibility for myself but I’m no longer taking responsibility for them. So, while my anger may be discharged externally, the hard truth is that I am really angry at myself for believing I was second best and accepting that role over and again.

Standing Tall 

It’s time for me to stand in my truth. To say what I mean. To call people on their shit especially when they project it on me. Just writing this declaration feels weird. To realize that I’m not living in alignment with who I want to be. I want to feel free and open.  I want to be appreciated for who I am and the value I bring.  I want to grow.  I want to feel and look radiant because I’m living my truth.  I want to be a priority.  I want to fulfill my dreams.  

But right now, I’m digging through the trenches of shit that have been there for a very long time.  It’s messy.  It doesn’t feel good. It’s more than uncomfortable.  And I know I’m growing toward myself—and I’m committed to continuing on this path.

Thanks for this, Mercury Retrograde. 

Your Turn

So, reader, I’m curious: how has Mercury Retrograde invited you to look at yourself or your patterns? What shows up for you? This Bad Indian wants to know.


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Gauri lives life full out and shares her experiences, challenges, and insights candidly on this blog, A Bad Indian.

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